Once again I'm back to sayin this....If you have something to say to me then damn it say it. Don't put it here, facebook, myspace, no say it to me. I've had my fill, and it's probably why I don't do what you want me to be doing.

And I have come to terms that my religious beliefs are chanigng, or in the stage of question again. And in such a stage that they could changing in the future. Yes I realize that will "concern" some of you. But I'm not you, and I refuse to think that one faith is superior to the others in the world. To each their own. I'm learning alot about the religion that I associate myself with and I realize that the history of it is something I really want nothing to be a part of. I've also realized that I don't want to be like those who are alerady in my life that are of the same religion. I don't want to be "that" way. I know that this is vague, but it's only because this thought process is in the beginning stages. BUT I now know that this religion might not be for me.

I know this this entry is going to stir up some emotions...and now I will direct you to the  first paragraph of tonight's blog entry...because I'm sick of being written about and not talked to. Now if you'd like to attack about this issue, write all the shit you want because I don't want to talk to you if you're just going to attack me and tell me i'm wrong.

After conversing with some friends over a late brunch, I'm starting to wonder. Do I expect too much? Are guys these days just not gonna be what I'm looking for? Is it too much to ask for a gentleman? Is it stupid to think that certain guys are of reach or out of my league? I just don't know what to think of this dating/love stuff anymore. It's hard to explain the frustration that goes through my brain and sometimes my whole body. This isn't the first notice of all this emotion it's just the first time I could sit down and release it. Why does it seem that the men that are worth while to be with either choose to not be with anyone or have been turned bitter by a female not treating them like the princes that they are? I would do anything for the man in my life, if there is one. His happiness would come first. Why can't guys see what they're missing out on? I feel like I need a theater marquee to plaster stuff on so people don't miss it. "19 yr old female looking for Prince Charming!" I agree that most girls will say the same about want to find that one guy. But I feel like I'm wasting time but not being with that person now. I wish he could be here for the accomplishments, events, concerts, football games, weekends, etc. that I'm going through now. I want to start making those memories. I want those long walks with a conversation that only stops to look each other in the eyes and realize how lucky we are, or to share a kiss or two. There has to be a man out there somewhere that wants the same. Can he please be sent to my door with a bow and maybe a flower....no he doesn't even need a flower, just a bow....or vice versa!

Tell me you see me...

So apparently some of you are angry or pissed or something because I've been quiet and pretty much pulled inside myself.  Well I'd say get used to it. Right now I need to focus on me. As selfish as that sounds, it isn't and it is the best choice I could make right now. This is going to take mucho time., well honestly I don't know how long it's gonna take. There are decisions that need to be made and many things to take into consideration. And it's already hard enough to focus on school and this. So for all of you just know that this is going on. I don't need help, I can't really have help with this it's all on my shoulders.  I know I haven't been paying much attention but I personally can't handle any more on my plate right now. I need this time. If you're my true friend you'll understand and respect it.  Thank you to the one person who has been absolutely amazing with this. Even though you're involved you're still worried about my health, and know that you can't help. But with one smile I know that you're telling me that you're there for me and that it will be ok. No words need to be spoken.

So here's a issue:
#1 - is amazing and i feel already will take me as is....but I don't want to think I'm that shallow...
#2 - can you even see me? am I even considered in that category?
#3- out of reach? same league? can you even see me either?? too close to him? do you even know?
#4- adorable but are you for me?
#5 - completely sweet...but are you for me?...and I don't want to think I'm that shallow...

Is it me? Am I what's making them decide to leave? I can't help the problem. All I can do is try. Does no one understand that? I can't apologize for it because I shouldn't have to. Where is the man that will love me for me? I'm starting to think that there's a chance he doesn't exist. Or maybe he's years down the road. Maybe I'm not meant to love another and have their love in return. I feel like the last petal of my enchanted rose is about to fall. Like the curse will continue. Is it too much to ask to feel special? I refuse to change to be what the typical college boys want. There has to be a guy out there that respects what I respect. Holds dear, what I hold dear. Where is he?

Oh and there's definate difference between beening concerned and being a bitch. Some should learn the difference.

There's a reason certain ones are in our lives
Either to show something or teach something
What the fuck were you for?

It's crazy how ten minutes can change a love story. I mean one minute I'm finishing up a great night with the girl, and then the next I'm holding the hand of my loved one who's in pain. The entire time I was holding back tears, being the strong one. Just wanting some kind of hope that you were going to be alright. When I saw you wince in pain my heart just sunk. I didn't care about anything else. While everyone else was like "he's been through this before", "he'll be fine". I understand that he's been through this before but I've never been through this with him. I've never seen him like this and for this to be happening is a little scary. I don't know how far it can go, I don't know the kind of damage it can cause. But I know what happens to my heart when I see you like this. I realized how important you really are to me, when you can take the pain to look at me and tell me "i love you". And even though you were in pain; you were concerned about me getting enough sleep or any at all. And that isn't love? I wish that all those people who put you down and made you out to be something you're not, could have seen that instance. When you took the pain to look at me and tell me "I love you", I couldn't even believe that you did that. You took extra pain to make sure I got to hear that. I just wish I could be by your side even if it's not nessicary. That's where I should be. That is my place, by your side as your partner. And that makes me the happiest girl in the world. I love you my prince!